You mileage may vary....
Feb. 6th, 2010 10:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jebbypalI've been following the blog-sphere about the new book that's out Mary Him- the case for settling for Mister Right. I'm sure most of you have seen it etc.
Based on the reviews that I've been reading of the topic/book, I have to say, I'm baffled at Gottlieb's conclusions. Then again, this may be more a reflection of the way I feel divorced from what pop culture says I should feel with regard to marriage and kids.
That being said, I have to say that if there was a time that I would have been more likely to "settle", it would have been in my early to mid-20s rather than now or later in my life. Lack of world experience, but also the cultural brain washing of my Mid-West life until I was 21 (which my parents were mostly successful to counterprogramming against) played a role in this. Growing up where everyone is expected to marry their high school sweetheart, and barring that (usually because you weren't lucky or pretty enough to have one), find a husband in college played a large role in this. Every guy I dated from college on, there was that "what-if" fantasy in the back of my head. I guess I should be thankful that none of them had similar ideas or ever thought of proposing because wow, that would have ended oh sooooooooo badly.
It really took meeting a guy (though this could have easily been any gender of friend) who unabashedly refused to settle for anything and encouraged me to do the same to help break that sort of thinking for me. That, and gradually reaching a point in my life where I could control something other than just my romantic decisions. Finding or receiving that type of agency takes time, but I think that if younger men and women could be made to feel like they had that sort of control over there life, early marriage, and other issues, would be less prevalent...then again we all know this because having that sort of control boosts one's self confidence which increases the chance that you'll look to yourself for fulfillment and happiness rather than waiting for someone else to pick you and fulfill all your dreams.
Of course, I guess I'm still a few years behind the target age of Gottlieb's advice, so perhaps there is the chance that more experience will change my mind. But at this point, I doubt it. While I still find rom-com movies entertaining, they are just as likely to piss me off. I still enjoy being single and I don't see that changing any time soon. And the whole kid issue, wow. If my biological clock ever made any noise, it was only due to the stated desire of my now ex-S.O. to actually have kids and my desire to have them in the biological timing of my body prior to when the risks for biological complications for me or the kid. Now that he's a very definite ex, I have a feeling he got the clock in the separation.
But then again, I've always felt out of step with pop-culture on the issue of kids. As a child/teen, I didn't dream or plan a wedding or fantasize about a future wedding dress. I only made up names for potential children when everyone else at the sleepover was doing it. And even when a young child was acting cherubic, in the back of my mind the image of the tantrums and screaming and teenage angst tempered any of the hypnotic qualities of the fresh baby smell.
Time will tell...
Based on the reviews that I've been reading of the topic/book, I have to say, I'm baffled at Gottlieb's conclusions. Then again, this may be more a reflection of the way I feel divorced from what pop culture says I should feel with regard to marriage and kids.
That being said, I have to say that if there was a time that I would have been more likely to "settle", it would have been in my early to mid-20s rather than now or later in my life. Lack of world experience, but also the cultural brain washing of my Mid-West life until I was 21 (which my parents were mostly successful to counterprogramming against) played a role in this. Growing up where everyone is expected to marry their high school sweetheart, and barring that (usually because you weren't lucky or pretty enough to have one), find a husband in college played a large role in this. Every guy I dated from college on, there was that "what-if" fantasy in the back of my head. I guess I should be thankful that none of them had similar ideas or ever thought of proposing because wow, that would have ended oh sooooooooo badly.
It really took meeting a guy (though this could have easily been any gender of friend) who unabashedly refused to settle for anything and encouraged me to do the same to help break that sort of thinking for me. That, and gradually reaching a point in my life where I could control something other than just my romantic decisions. Finding or receiving that type of agency takes time, but I think that if younger men and women could be made to feel like they had that sort of control over there life, early marriage, and other issues, would be less prevalent...then again we all know this because having that sort of control boosts one's self confidence which increases the chance that you'll look to yourself for fulfillment and happiness rather than waiting for someone else to pick you and fulfill all your dreams.
Of course, I guess I'm still a few years behind the target age of Gottlieb's advice, so perhaps there is the chance that more experience will change my mind. But at this point, I doubt it. While I still find rom-com movies entertaining, they are just as likely to piss me off. I still enjoy being single and I don't see that changing any time soon. And the whole kid issue, wow. If my biological clock ever made any noise, it was only due to the stated desire of my now ex-S.O. to actually have kids and my desire to have them in the biological timing of my body prior to when the risks for biological complications for me or the kid. Now that he's a very definite ex, I have a feeling he got the clock in the separation.
But then again, I've always felt out of step with pop-culture on the issue of kids. As a child/teen, I didn't dream or plan a wedding or fantasize about a future wedding dress. I only made up names for potential children when everyone else at the sleepover was doing it. And even when a young child was acting cherubic, in the back of my mind the image of the tantrums and screaming and teenage angst tempered any of the hypnotic qualities of the fresh baby smell.
Time will tell...
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Date: 2010-02-06 08:35 pm (UTC)Luckily, my husband shares this lack of desire - it was one of the first things we talked about when we were looking at getting together. As for the needing to get married thing... we did decided to eventually (obviously ;-) - but it was all very non-traditional, with us writing not just our own vows, but our own ceremony, and it happened after we'd been living together for the better part of 5 years. I think for both of us, it would have been OK if we hadn't decided to have a formal ceremony - I'm not sure exactly why we decided to, other than that it seemed like the right thing at that point in our relationship (and we ended up having a 4 year engagement after we decided anyway, because we were living overseas and figured we wanted to wait till we were back in NZ to actually have the ceremony)
I like to think that if I hadn't met Gryphon, I would still have had a very successful, emotionally fulfilling life for the last 10 years - either as a single or with someone else. Then again, I have an intensely pragmatic (for the most part) view of relationships as contracts that are negotiated on an ongoing basis, whether they're acknowledged as such by the participants or not. Acknowledging it just gives you a lot more freedom to decide what is and isn't right in your specific relationship...