jebbypal

Well, to my surprise, this has not in fact been the longest period of time since I last posted. It just feels that way.

January 2016 involved me getting my brain back in mostly working order. The driving vacation really helped me clear things up. Coming back to work was mostly fine though a bit of an adjustment. More of an adjustment to still dealing with working the kinks out in my relationship with my father. Which in a lot of ways was messing with my head the past couple of months. I just got so used to the past 5 years or so where we had hour long conversations every week or 2, probably partly coping mechanism since my mom wasn't great at carrying on conversations given her pain and med situations and all, but still. To have that and go to, oh might not talk for a month. And then he calls me for valentines day but can't stay on the phone for more than 10 minutes. Or I call him for his birthday and half of that phone conversation is me convincing him that the meds his dermatologist gave him won't have permanent side effects (if he has any). It feels sad and petty to be having stepchild replacement syndrome at the age of 37, but at the same time, it doesn't given the fact that he's practically my only family left (yes, I should call my aunt and uncle more. I should try to have a relationship with my cousins but they are all batshit crazy or super religious, or both).

Meh. So yeah, by the time February rolled around I was getting back to even keel and getting out of depression ville. Had to go to doc to get refill on my miracle allergy med which sadly involved breaking in a new doc to the wonders and necessity of me getting compounded meds. And him flipping out that my bp was 120/83. Even me repeatedly telling him that my bp always rises before my period wasn't getting him off of it, got lecture for how i should watch salt and alcohol intake, and demand to come back for physical. Which I did and he still wasn't happy. I think a lot of it is that he's a new person -- my dermographia always acts up when I'm talking to new people, especially things like family medical history, and I'm sure that drives my bp up. Whatever. I know my bp is borderline, but given that I've gained 20 lbs in 2 years, I'm sure if I lose some weight that will help.

Which led me to starting back with personal training. The $$ makes my pocket book hurt, but I've also proven that I'm shit at going to the gym on my own. Going to same person I did last time around, but doing it in a different space -- we're both amazed at how much better my stamina is and can't decide if it's 1) the difference of sitting on my ass for 9 mos vs 3 years, 2) not being in a place that is sporadically poisoned with incense and fragrant candles to set off my allergies, 3) not having to take benadryl multiple times during the week due to popcorn on commuting train or in office, and/or 4) getting more than 5 hours a sleep a night during the week.

Either way, stamina came back fast (beyond my first week of being broken combined with 24 hours of the worst sciatica pain I've had in forever), my sleeping schedule has stabilized for the first time in 2 years, and I have more energy. Now if my hormonal migraines could just piss off to somewhere over the rainbow, my life would be practically puppies and kittens.

Yesterday for first time in forever, I actually went out on a weekend somewhere that wasn't grocery shopping. Got my hair cut (crazy work week next week including 30 hours in Denver, so anything that allows me to dry my hair faster is a must). Bought new tennis shoes (desperately needed, though i ended up with the most dayglo orange possible. Going to need to order a black pair online since shoe stores apparently think offering multiple colors of 1 style is too much work). Annnnd, finally actually went and visited a couple of houses for sale. 1 of the 3 was nice, but closet space was a bit too little I think and not srue all my furniture would fit, and not any bigger than current space I have and would lose both driveway and garage. I could probably lose garage if I got a house in my price range that had central a/c. However, not sure I'm willing to lose drive way and face the prospect of digging my car out of both regular snow and plowed snow. But still -- I had energy to go out and do stuff instead of hibernating in my cave which is a big deal.

It's weird. I just expected all depression to feel like depression I had when in grad school. And the depression last year did not feel like that. Which is good and bad in ways. But it's definitely better to be out of it.

Okay, now I have some work to do because while depression may be gone, my procrastinating personality is not and I have to finish client presentation for tomorrow. *head desk* I would say that I'll stop procrastinating when I die, but I want to procrastinate on that as long as possible of course.

Paternal grandmother passed today - which is a good thing in all ways that she didn't linger very long when she finally hit the bottom.

Of course, the funeral is next saturday. The one review meeting that I can't change is the Monday afterward. I don't start for home from Cali till Tuesday which would mean almost 2 days wasted if I go to NJ and then back to OK. But not sure I can even get the ticket from San Diego changed given that vouchers for canceled flights for the client were used to pay for this trip. Won't find any of that out till tomorrow and the ticket change for a tuesday flight will only get more expensive. Sigh.

In one way, my mind says it will be more stressful for my parents if i'm there. In another way, I can at least help look after my mom while my dad deals with any funeral stuff potentially. And either way, I'll still be working like a mofo to meet my deadline.

Well, we finally got an official sounding term for why my mom keeps getting the repeated infections on her hands requiring the finger amputations...

Buerger's Disease

Today is my parents' 36th wedding anniversary. That I remember it is odd, discomfitting, and worrying.

Hey, stop looking at me like that. I'm not a totally dysfunctional human...really. No babies on spikes over here decorating my apartment (and for once, I have witnesses to that fact).

No, I say that because my parents always celebrated their anniversary alone. My brother and I would know of the day through some sort of filter or whatever, but it wasn't a huge production. We weren't ever expected to do anything (and I can guarantee you that neither of us bought so much as a card in the 33 years of our combined existence). They did stuff for each other, we'd all eat dinner out (or occassionally they'd manage to go out alone I assume), but that was it. In fact, I can't remember any of the gifts they got each other except the toaster my dad bought my mom for their silver wedding anniversary. As much as my mom would tell that story for laughs, she did tell me that she was never mad about it -- after all, we needed a new toaster.

I guess that's the one thing that I've learned from them that I'll always be greatful for. Love doesn't have to be all consuming and dramatic to work and endure. Practical is just fine so long as both are practical (and omg are they to a fault). I know exactly what each of their pet peeves are about the other and I know that those are yin to the others yang. I also know that when my dad is gone, my mom puts chairs under the doorknobs of the doors to add extra security to the locks. And I know for all of his bitching, my dad worries beyond words whenever my mom runs so much as twenty minutes late past when she said she'd be home, even though he knows she won't be on time to her own funeral.

Give and take. They've given me a lot and I feel guilty that I've not been able to give more back to them. Every day something else reminds me exactly how much I lucked out on the parent lottery. There were a few rough patches, I suppose they didn't do everything exactly right, but they did the best they could and I can't imagine a thing they could have done differently. They gave me so much, but more than that, they raised me to never settle.

So to end the night, a few words of their combined wisdom through the years:
"Can't never did anything."

"The only person you can rely on absolutely is number one."

"Do everything that you want to before you get married. After that, do everything in the world that you can imagine before you have kids. Because after that, everything you do will be what they want to do." (My mom regrets this one and told me I no longer have to follow it. I think in a couple of years she'll tell me I don't have to be married to have kids if I'll just hurry up and give her her grandchild already).

"Turn off that #$%$# light when you leave the room. You're growing dumdum in there." (You had to be there).

Knowing how insane my extended family is, I am ever so thankful to have ended up with these two for parents, trust me.